Frazzled

I have used the word "frazzled" a lot lately to describe the way I feel. Tired; even when I sleep 10 hours, worried; even though I know everything will be ok. It all started last Wednesday when Scarlett was running a low grade fever and was very fussy and not sleeping well. I called her doctor and she wanted to see her Thursday morning. They tested her for strep and rsv and told me they would have her urine culture back the following Monday but everything looked good. I was told to monitor the fever and go to the ER if it reached 100.4. So Friday it reached 100.3 and I packed her bag and had it by the door. Then it went down to 99, so I called off the panic and took her for a walk in the stroller. Texan was working late, so at 9 I had gotten into my pajamas and was changing her for bed. As I changed her diaper I checked her temp and it was 100.6, so I checked again and it was 100.4. I put her Jammie's on her and rushed out the door. We had friends on the way over to play cards, so I called them off first then called Texan. He was minutes from being home so I told him to meet me at the hospital. I called the on-call physician and left a message but didn't hear back from him until we were already there.

 Her vitals were taken almost immediately and her fever had gone back to 98.6. Of course. We waited about 2 hours to be put in an examination room, which was a welcome change. I laid down on the gurney while Scarlett slept in my arms and Texan slept in a chair. They brought us lots of gatoraid and crackers and I watched FRIENDS and That 70's Show. But the doctor had nothing new for us and told us to bring her in if her temp hit 102. She started to sleep a lot better the next few nights and was acting a bit less cranky, but still running low grade fevers every now an then. 

So Monday morning I was lying in bed nursing her and thinking, "What if she runs this fever forever and they keep telling me nothing is wrong? It feels like something is wrong." Just then the phone rang and it was her doctor's office. Her urine culture was in and was positive for a UTI. They called a prescription of amoxicillin to our pharmacy and I went to pick it up. Now she has been on it for two day and she is sleeping great and acting fine.

 But now today she has started coughing and having a snotty nose. I am so exhausted by this feeling of not being able to keep her well, that now this is making me feel so absolutely fried. I have so much guilt. I didn't take her to church on Sunday to keep her away from germs, no bible study on Thursday, and I even had my friend watch her last week so I wouldn't have to take her to the germy grocery store with me.

 It is a terrible feeling to not be able to keep germs away. I cleaned everything we wore and took to the ER in the washing machine on the "sanitize" setting. I cleaned all the surfaces of her bedroom with rubbing alcohol, and I sprayed her diaper bag with Lysol. I don't let strangers touch her, we hardly leave the house except to get fresh air! All of this and she still came down with a cough. I'm sure they'll say since she just started antibiotics that we should wait and see if her cough goes away. And of course I don't want to load her down with medication at such a young age. But I still want her doctor to know, and they said to call if her health changes any. Also, Texan was very insistent that I call her doctor tomorrow. We have never heard her cough so much that it wakes her out of her sleep. 

On top of this, I have to have a cavity filled tomorrow. I haven't had cavities in years, then I've had 3 since moving to Texas. My dentist said one of my old fillings is caving in and creating a space for a tiny "almost cavity." So...not my fault! What is happening to me? Most days I feel like I've got it together. But this past week has made me feel like a pile of smelly laundry. I just want my sweet girl to feel better and to be happy and 100% healthy. And I want my daily flossing/listerine routine to be enough to ward off cavities! Oh and I want to lose the last 4 stubborn pounds of baby weight. And I want my house to be cleaner than it is. But all I can do is rock my sweet girl and care for her and pray for her and try to take a nap. That, readers, is what "frazzled" means to me.

The week wasn't all bad. She got to sit in her new bumbo for the first time. She gets a huge smile every time I put her in it. But she's not too sure about it, so then her face looks more like this:

I'll wait until her neck is stronger to start puttin her in it for more than a few seconds. But it's fun to look at her in it for a second! 

Next I've been practicing baby-wearing. Thursday night I have to go to bible study early to put all the food in the oven for 20 people. The people who usually host can't be there so I'm on kitchen duty. I plan to wear Scarlett while I'm working so she can relax and feel comforted. I practiced tonight while babysitting for my neighbor and she took a nap for 40 minutes in it. Then at 9 she fell asleep and stayed asleep when I put her in her crib at home! 

Please continue to pray for my little one. She needs me to be the best mommy I can be to keep her comfortable and healthy. I know she is God's child, and he loves her more than I can fathom. And I need wisdom and peace from the only source I can count on, Christ alone.